My fellow Americans, I come to you this evening with a matter of the greatest importance. Our economy is in crisis and drastic steps must be taken as quickly as possible to prevent the collapse of the United States. Before I go on, I want to remind you that none of this was my fault. I inherited this all from the previous administration who, as everybody knows, caused this entire crisis. If anything bad happens to the country – even after my bold and courageous actions have become law – it is all due to the incompetence of my predecessor. Some have pointed out quite correctly that Congress has been properly under the control of our party for the past two years, but I must remind you all tonight, that any bad events are clearly the result of the prior President. Any bad that comes – it is not my fault – or the fault of my party colleagues that control Congress. Any good that may come is certainly because of my boldness and decisive actions. That being said, let me now outline my plan to save the economy.

We will immediately begin penalizing any and all corporations that are showing profits for this year. We will seize their assets through taxation – as well as the assets of all productive members of society – and distribute that money to all failing companies who can show that they cannot make any money on their own. Corporate greed cannot continue unchecked, and my plan will ensure that all new tax dollars collected from solvent businesses will go only to businesses who have shown their imcompetence. Prosperous people on Wall Street as well as Main Street must be put on notice – you will be forced into investing in the failed dealings of your neighbors because it is not fair that they should suffer while you continue to count your profits.

The Government shall now have oversight into the running of all businesses to ensure that all people will have the same as everybody else. Those that try to get ahead will be penalized. Those that fail to keep up will be given more financial assistance. We in Government did not get here by accident. It was only through our knowledge and wisdom that we became involved in politics and rose to the positions we now hold. Corporate America, formerly run by business degree holders in the failed “free market” model that they clung to for so long, need to realize that their facade is coming to an end. Bureaucracy is in a much better position to run a business as evidenced by all of the Federal Government agencies we have today – which by the way – we plan on expanding more and more each year.

We do not have time to read or debate any of the spending bills that are coming up for a vote. This is far too important for that. We have reached across the aisle time and time again only to be greeted by those that would resist the immediate expenditure of record amounts of government money. Sure, I’ve heard it all before. People say that we cannot spend money that we don’t even have. But lots of Presidents have done that in the past, so why can’t I? Some have publicly challenged me by saying that this latest Bill had over 9000 earmarks in it despite my earlier pledge to end all earmarks. I personally did not have time to read the Bill that I signed into law, but so what if it does have earmarks? Sometimes they can be very important and I didn’t want to waste precious time on something that would only cost a few billion dollars anyway. Others have said that we in the Federal Government are constitutionally prohibited from running the economy and private enterprise. But we cannot let the aging and outdated Constitution impede our journey towards complete governmental oversight.

So I ask you here tonight for your support. Believe in your Government and realize that you can count on your Government for all of your needs. Do not be lead astray by the greedy, by those who think that they can achieve prosperity on their own. It is only through bureaucracy, taxation, regulation and honest oversight that we can succeed as a nation.

Thank you and good night.

C.R.